This Is A Clothespin | Lucas Scheelk
originally published in the long-defunct Honey Pot – A Journal of Intersectional Feminism [Issue #1 – 2015]
This Is A Clothespin
Lucas Scheelk
This is a clothespin
Of the slight pinch of a finger
To focus on that discomfort in public
To not focus on my anxiety in public
To keep my hands in my pockets in public
To give my hands something to feel in my pocket in public
To keep my hands in my pocket in public while giving my hands something to feel in my pocket in public
To avoid stimming outside of my pocket in public
To avoid the looks of my hands in public
To avoid the question, “Are you autistic?” in public
To avoid the answer, “Yes and I can’t breathe” in public
To avoid being rude but I’m autistic and I have anxiety and asthma and my lungs can only take so much so I do not want confrontation I do not want to talk talking is exhausting and I value my lungs more than that and I value my lungs more than you I literally need my lungs to breathe being in public is not a safe space for me
This is a clothespin
Of internalization so deep I can tell you in detail each psychological wound I carry except for the multitudes of memories I’ve repressed I can’t remember most of my childhood and part of me does not want to
This is a clothespin
Of internalization so deep that for the repressed memories I cannot tell you about I can show you my burns instead and maybe let you touch them
This is a clothespin
Of internalization so deep that it is the new naked
This is a clothespin
Of years being told how much progress I’m making in normalized classrooms
This is a clothespin
Of early 1990s diagnoses and early 1990s understanding of autism
This is a clothespin
Of years being told that I don’t look autistic
This is a clothespin
Of autistic people comprise more than just straight white cis guys
This is a clothespin
Of stereotypes like robotic and alien and machine and lifeless and loveless and hopeless
This is a clothespin
Of puzzle pieces telling me that I’m broken and need to be fixed
This is a clothespin
Of only seeing neurotypical parents talk about autism during my childhood and never talking about the despair I felt because in between the news stories and the search for a cure silence was all I could manage
This is a clothespin
Of being compared to someone’s autistic sister’s boyfriend’s cousin’s neighbor’s step child either as inspiration for what they would want that child to grow up into or as a disappointment when they find out I won’t deal with their bullshit
This is a clothespin
Of Autism Speaks speaking over us
This is a clothespin
Of Autism Speaks doesn’t speak for me
This is a clothespin
Of yes I was originally diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome but I am autistic excla-fucking-mation point
This is a clothespin
Of my functioning level is none of your business
This is a clothespin
Of I hate passing as neurotypical so much I feel like I’m failing myself
This is a clothespin
Of I hate passing as neurotypical so much I feel like I’m failing myself but if I don’t disclose that I’m autistic at a job interview I have more of a chance of being hired
This is a clothespin
Of living in a country where people value the petition of building a Death Star more than autistic people being able to get organ transplants
This is a clothespin
Of doctors and therapists not taking me seriously if I do disclose that I’m autistic
This is a clothespin
Of how in February 2013, one could type, “autistic people should” into Google search and words like “Die,” “be killed,” “be exterminated,” and “shouldn’t have children” would be the first to try to fill in the blank
This is a clothespin
Of how in February 2015, measles spread in the United States because
people against vaccinations still believe the lie that vaccines cause autism
This is a clothespin
Of how in February 2020, Autism Speaks appropriated the neurodiversity symbol
This is a clothespin
Of how in February 2021, anti-vaxxers and anti-maskers are one and the same
This is a clothespin
Of how the public fears of more people like me so much they’ll sacrifice everyone
This is a clothespin
Of I will never be your mercy kill
This is a clothespin
Of are you still surprised by what I’m telling you?
This is a clothespin
Of the slight pinch of a finger
To focus on that discomfort in public
To not focus on my anxiety in public
To keep my hands in my pockets in public
To give my hands something to feel in my pocket in public
To keep my hands in my pocket in public while giving my hands something to feel in my pocket in public
To imagine stimming outside of my pocket in public
To imagine the looks of my hands in public
To imagine the question, “Are you autistic?” in public
To imagine the answer, “Yes I am” in public
To imagine being rude yes I’m autistic and I have anxiety and asthma and my lungs can only take so much you do not want confrontation I do not want to talk I value my lungs more than you being in
public is not a safe space for me because of YOUTHIS IS A CLOTHESPIN BACKSTORY
[Abridged quote from preface of A PRAYER FOR A NON-RELIGIOUS AUTISTIC]
*poem above has had additional edits since its creation in 2013
"I didn't become part of the autistic community (that focused on advocacy) until around 2012 when I was attending the University of Minnesota. The #actuallyautistic tag on tumblr was a pivotal introduction for autistic self-advocacy for me. One of my first pieces that incorporates that is 'This Is A Clothespin,' a poem from my first chapbook* (of the same name). It's since been one of the many pieces I've written about ableism and navigating space as an autistic person.
At the time, I kept a clothespin in a jacket pocket and I used it as a grounding item (gounding items are also featured in the poem, 'A Prayer For A Non-Religious Autistic'). The pinch from the clothespin would bring me back from dissociation.
I crafted the poem while I was recovering from top surgery in March 2013. I had the perfect idea to type a 4-page poem while I wore a medical binder with blood bombs attached, and was constipated for 3 days. Make of this message what you will."PINNED POST
I formally request that the 2023 AWP Conference in Seattle follows the suit of SMOL Fair & have their virtual attendance 100% free, in light that the COVID-19 pandemic has not ended, & Mad/Disabled/Crip artists are still excluded even with a scholarship option.
SIGNAL BOOST
FIRST | The StoryGraph offers Content Warnings in their searches; here is the page for A PRAYER FOR A NON-RELIGIOUS AUTISTIC (authors can email support@thestorygraph.com to send their approved warnings)
SECOND | Purnima Bala has a resource sheet for Lit Mags, Presses & Other Publishing Venues on Mastodon!
THIRD | For literary creatives, Chill Subs has recently opened [ugh], “like twitter, but way worse. chill subs’s elon free zone for writers who like a different kind of drama” & speaking of Chill Subs, check out their Promorando!
FOURTH | Rabbi Sandra Lawson’s “People Created Racism. People Must Fix It.”
FIFTH | Jews of Color Organizing Fellowship
SIXTH | “The Story of HIV/AIDS Is Still Being Written. These 7 Books Are Proof” (Ruth Madievsky, THEM, Dec 1st 2022)
SEVENTH | Disability in Publishing
EIGHTH | “What's Next for #CripTheVote?” (Alice Wong, Gregg Beratan, and Andrew Pulrang)
NINTH | Naloxone Awareness Project | The People’s Harm Reduction Alliance
TENTH | “Lit Mag Changes Exploitative Name” (Kimberly Blaeser, Poets & Writers, October 2022)
LAST BUT NOT LEAST | “Dedications to Bashert” by Irena Klepfisz [text version]
*Damaged Goods Press, 2016 (defunct in 2022; selected works access available here!)